I'm unsure insecure and uneasy about what to do with myself.
You see, I have an entire year to live my life [you don't have an idea of what I'm talking about but I can't really bring myself to explain what's going on with me - sorry].  But it's as if the weight of the world was just lifted and it came back down in a completely different manner.  I have nearly an entire year to live my life and do what I want - and a thought like that, although comforting and exciting, its somewhat frightening and aggressive to think about.  This blinking cursor is getting to me.  I have so much to say, but I can't say anything.  It all was a beautiful lie.  I have so much time to concentrate on myself and what I want, and frankly I'm a little confused because I haven't felt like this in a really long time.  In a way its like I got my life back, but it never left -- if you can understand my brain children that is.  I almost feel alone, its like I have kids that are cool and care about me, and I'm lucking enough to get them to call me their friend, but I still feel like I'm in the middle of a battle by myself.  And this battle, just so you know, it just happened....like that, there was no begging, no end -- nothing, I was just stuck in the middle of it, and I don't know what to do.  Maybe I'm just over thinking things.  Maybe I'm drowning in a glass of water. 

I have come to the conclusion, after a very long time of analyzing my thoughts.
[Thinking about my thoughts basically]
that the reason why I don't want to give up this "project" and I'm going to hand on to it
and squeeze it until there's no more life left in my body - is because it is the Last thing that I have
left of my childhood.  It's all this frustration that is making me hate everything that's happening, and
my desperate need for adventure and to never grow up.  The days pass and I grow colder, but I NEED to keep
everything as is, in my mind to be able to survive.  I have to learn more about myself, and be able to feel like I own
my own life - this feeling of vulnerability is getting to me, and I don't like it one bit.